start

Piece of gum-inner side

Past all these unknown bodies rush past me like bisons. For a moment I stopped myself in these crowded and pretend that I have not chosen a direction. I took a deep breath and direct my focus straight ahead. I experienced the light, the heated air, the urban scent and my feet that bear this weight as if it is nothing.
The bisons all seem to be heading in a direct direction, at different rates they move their bodies into theirs a actuality. Together we are in this perpetual reality, one where people do not stand still. At least I think so,
Because I also act as if I am standing still, but the question of whether I really do that, is rattling hard in my mind as a loop driving in circles. My body grows slowly stuck to the ground, the tiles. Just like the pieces of gum in front of my right foot, fixed indefinitely.

Ik wijs mij af en draai me om
net zo diep tot dat ik vast zit in die vissenkom
rustig blijf ik dan rondjes zwemmen
heerlijk kan ik mijzelf beklemmen

Kijk mij aan en ben mij zat
gooi mij in het dichtst bijzijnde zwarte gat
langzaam kan ik dan blijven zweven
en voor altijd van binnen blijven beven

Ik projecteer mijzelf op anderen
niemand die dit gaat veranderen
verantwoord hun daden, als mijn lijden
elke keer blijf ik me aan dezelfde wonden snijden.

Dear me
how sweet I think I know who I am,
how sweet that i know what i want to be.
how sweet I present myself as a chosen self-image
how sweet that I let myself be guided by my environment
how sweet that I can manifest my emotion like this
how sweet that I often neglect rationality
how sweet that I try to think away my own thoughts
how sweet that I am so far from true self
how sweet that I don't even know that I am so far from true self
how sweet that I end up in the same patterns every time
how sweet that I walk the same circles every time
how sweet that I make my happiness depend on others
how sweet that I can only find recognition and love, in loved ones
how sweet that I can't be alone
how sweet that I start to feel uncomfortable as soon as i am alone
how sweet that I will immediately distract myself again
how sweet that I continually twist every rejection
how sweet that i am rejecting myself

i'll hope you see it one day to as i do

Next to that piece of gum-ego

Past all these unknown bodies, mine is standing still. Wondering where al those souls are heading to. Why do they seem to be so full of a self-assurance direction. Why can they just walk, run and bike so fast to all those next the locations, they're daily activities. And what am I in these moment, do i look the same, do they think it is weird that im just standing here doing nothing. Am I doing something, is standing still for a moment, considered as doing something. And why should I even think what there're thinking. Isn't only my thoughts the thing to worry about. Thinking of other peoples thoughts, is projection my thoughts on them. And worrying about my thoughts is only manifest into more worry's. So the question is here, how can I get myself free from these vicious circle.

Draaiend dragen, deze dagen mij
met zwaar lood aan mijn voeten vast
breng ik niemand, maar mij zelf tot last.

De zachte bries, langs mijn haren,
met een kleine schijn van zon
keert soms mijn adem terug naar de bron.

Heel even, voor één moment,
lijkt alles wel mee te vallen
opnieuw gaat mijn kleine stem, fluisterwallen.

Het gaat niet, goed komen zo
nooit zul jij de dagen dragen
Altijd gaan ze, aan je blijven knagen.

Bedenk hoe je, hiermee gaat leven
lood zich los, van jou voeten
je hoeft niet altijd te blijven boeten.

Maar wat als ik niet bepalen kan
Hoe het lood zich manifesteert
waar mijn vinger zich op accentueert

hoe los ik mijn lood dan op
hoe kom ik boven aan die bergtop
hoe moet ik er van af glijden,
zonder mijn eigen vingers te snijden.